Places to go: - Australia - Bali - Antarctica, on that Russian icebreaker ship - Alaskan cruise - Brazil - Chile - Italy - Galapagos Islands - Thailand - Amsterdam Things to do: - Learn to snowboard, and do it on some Real mountains - Learn to salsa - Scuba in the Great Barrier Reef - Retire by 50 - Ride on the back of an ostrich, or camel, or elephant - Participate in Burning Man - Go to Oktoberfest - Stand on the North and/or South pole(s) - Skydiving…again - See each of the wonders of the world There are many things I need to add to the list, but this is a good start…
It’s polite to: offer people in your office food, or bring baked goods, or eat a sandwich at your desk in solitude
It’s rude to: eat extremely aromatic shellfish in an office environment
pretty much anyone with the last name Hilton
that ShamWow guy
all the horrible American Idol morons
Pretty much all morons and idiots. The end.
I received this in an email from my friend Erika and couldn’t bear not to post it. I’m not posting the entire thing but here’s a large sampling. I wish I knew this dude:
Literally means exactly as you describe. “I can’t believe they fired me, I literally put my heart and soul into this job..” No, no you didn’t. Unless you worked at an Aztec temple and they demanded sacrifice, you did not literally do anything.
My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired
about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us”. Classy, bro.
There’s nothing as strong as the bond between two people who usually
don’t like each other but have found out they share a dislike for the same person.
Quit calling yourself fat if you are clearly not fat. I am not going to say you’re not anymore. I’m just going to nod and make that ehhhh kinda sound.
If I say “You’re killing me, Smalls” and the person I’m talking to looks at me with confusion and doesn’t know why I’ve called them Smalls, I question why I’m friends with them.
I wonder when Will Smith will get the script for the Obama biography movie.
Capri Suns never had enough juice in them.
I just saw about 5 people I know at the supermarket and managed to avoid them all. It was awesome.
Sandwiches always taste better when someone else makes them.
The Sunday struggle: not showering because I want to workout. Not working out because I really don’t want to.
“Seemed like a good idea at the time” is always the right answer.
I have a hard time understanding commercials for TVs that try to show how vivid the picture is on their brand of TVs. I’m still watching your commercial on my crappy one.
My mom tricks me into thinking that we are almost done with our phone conversation by saying “alright hunnie….” and then she will go on talking for another 20 minutes. Is that a talent specific to mothers?
When I have to work late, the last thing I do is send a somewhat meaningless email to my boss, just so she knows I was in the office until at least 7:53.
Why are there never fat people in fast food commercials, despite the fact that they’re practically furniture in those places? Seems a little obesist to me…
Used coffee and soda cups are like mini-trash cans for your car’s cupholders.
If filling up the garbage can in the kitchen as much as possible before taking out the trash was an Olympic sport, I’d be so dominant that people would accuse me of being underage..
If I’m supposed to meet you somewhere and you call to see where I am and I respond “I’m on my way” or “I’m almost there,” I probably haven’t left my house yet. And when I have finally arrived, I will be blaming my tardiness on traffic.
It might look like I’m enjoying the cool music on my iPod with my headphones on, but I’m secretly listening to your conversation.
I think I’m going to start a bar called The Gym. Then all of these people who really just want to say they went to the gym without actually working out would have somewhere to go.
The problem with America is stupidity. I’m not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
Why is it that what seems like a perfectly acceptable volume for your music when you get out of the car is entirely too loud when you get back in?
Anyone who says working out in the morning “gives them energy throughout the day” is full of it.
Upon finding moldy food in the fridge I am going to throw it out - tupperware and all. It’s just easier to buy new tupperware than touch, let alone clean, that.
I always wonder how some parts get cast in movies. I can just imagine bulletins that say “Read for the parts of the Hideously Ugly & Overweight Girl and for the Toothless, Senile Old Man who Poops Himself today at 4pm.” Someone out there is seeing this & says “Now that sounds like a part for me!”
A lot. See how I added that space between the A and the Lot? Yeah, that’s supposed to be there.
I hate when a menu item looks good, but I can’t order it because it has a cutesy name. I’m sorry, but I like myself too much to say the words “Rootin’ Tootin’ Delicious Chicken Sandwich” in front of anyone I know.
“If you could get this turned in by tonight that would be great, but
really anytime next week is fine.” Next Friday it is then.
Whenever it’s below freezing, and you see a girl walking to the bar without a coat on, you should definitely make a move on her. You already know she’s into bad decisions.
I’m sorry TBS, but I have a hard time believing that “House of Payne” is America’s favorite sitcom.
If I don’t shower within 30 minutes of working out, I’m not showering.
I wish my office directory would also list people’s relationship status.
Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that. Thanks.
You know it’s time to do dishes when you’re drinking water from a martini glass.
You are a “haha” person or an “lol” person. Either one is fine.. but everyone makes the choice.
There are a lot of things that I don’t do just because it really annoys me when other people do it. Getting married, or even being in a serious relationship is quickly moving to the top of that list.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Nothing throws you into a state of panic like getting a phantom vibrate from an empty pocket.
Won’t the ShamWOW just soak up all the water when you throw it in the washing machine?
If we’re talking, and I say, “That’s hilarious” without laughing, I’ve completely stopped listening to what you are saying.
The most glorious ten seconds after you and your date have parted ways is when you finally succumb to your flatulence.
I like to give my friends checks when I owe them money rather than cash, just so I can write stuff like “last night” in the ‘For’ section.
The English language needs a word to describe the situation where two people start talking at the same time, then both stop at the same time, then both offer that the other go first at the same time.
The scariest 10 seconds ever is when you are double checking who you just sent a text message to… just in case.
The next girl that complains to me about not having any money, while carrying a Coach purse is going to get punched in the face.
I have the deepest desire for my turn signal to be perfectly in sync with the person in front of me.
I came to the realization this morning that I don’t need Google, or Wikipedia, ever again because apparently my wife knows everything.
Dear snow, Yes, you are very pretty but none the less screw you.
I wish Taco Bell delivered.
I wonder how much of my memory is devoted to song lyrics.
Do you ever feel like the pharmacists are judging you when you drop off a prescription?
After lunch today the group I was with decided to swing by Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. Ohhhh my gosh! I was like a kid in a candy store (wait, I pretty much AM a kid, and WAS in a candy store). I came back to the office with a pretty little box with a gold sticker to seal, full of chocolatey deliciousness. I got 2 thin mints, a milk chocolate cashew cluster, a french vanilla trufle, and (wait for it….) 8 chocolate covered potato chips. I can assure you, they are as good as they sound.
I’ve had a terrible morning. Was fine when I woke up, but the second I walked into work it went downhill. 8:30 call with the MOST annoying business partner, a customer and an engineer. (I think that was the trigger…it’s impossible to reason with morons) I somehow let him affect my day and my mood. Emails piling up; more and more fires to put out that I didn’t start. Unreasonableness abounds. Got paid today so had to immediately buy a plane ticket to FL. Prices have gone up and up over the last week and a half. Everyone today just seems snippy, and out to intentionally piss me off. Every little thing was getting under my skin. I got so generally frustrated that I was [this] close to having tears in my eyes. So I had to take a step back and bring myself back to reality. 1 - I’m lucky to have a job. A pretty great job. A flexible job. Coworkers that I like for the most part. 2 - I’m thankful that I have customers and business partners that blow up my email and phone every day…it could be the other way around. I could be reaching out to them, begging them to work with me. I have too much business, and not enough time. There are worse things in this world. 3 - I’m blessed to be able to buy a plane ticket to FL, and to get a paycheck. 4 - Maybe I’m the one being unreasonable and irrational, not eeeeveryone else. :) 5 - The sun is shining, and although it’s miserable hot and humid, its beautiful. 6 - It’s Friday! 7 - There are soooo many people in this world with MUCH bigger problems. 8 - Be thankful for what you have and appreciate good fortune when you receive it. 9 - Suck it up and quit your whining!
underrated: chile rellenos
some of the things on my old list have been acquired:
bowling shoes(doily, apron, birdbath, depression era tea cups and saucers…still on the list)
nose ring (stud) - this one’s still up for debate in my head
I was hanging out with some friends last Friday after work and noticed quite a variety in men’s hairstyles. The location was mostly to blame, but within 30 minutes, we encountered 2 mullets, a very long white ponytail, and a Willie Nelson multi-hair tie pony tail. I’m sure there were other interesting ones, but these stood out.
So we got into a conversation about mullets - Do people that have mullets actually know they have mullets? Do they know they are called mullets and it’s not ‘cool’ to have one? Do they know that the rest of the world secretly makes fun of them and concocts imaginative stories about their life and what they are like? Do they know that the style is super-outdated? I’m totally being stereotypical here, something I try not to do too much, but for cryin’ out loud it’s a mullet. It begs to be discussed!
The only thing more interesting that a man’s mullet is a woman’s mullet…they are much more rare, but twice as interesting.